By Kristen Knott
“A new year has begun.” I say to our two fat cats sprawled on the couch, close to me, protecting or seeking protection. I am never sure which. Why I did not want these cats, or any cats for that matter gives me pause.
The holiday season a blur, and snow piling outside, the furnace pumps to keep the deep freeze at bay. My mind is busy, remembering darker times. I am not sure what I thought would happen when I got to this moment. Images of pink balloons and roses, and savory smells, the pop of a champagne cork followed by a devilish squeal, and the contentment of an endless amount of love.
It’s impossible to forget the day it began, like a slap across the face. June 6, 2013. That date is clear. But when did the cancer-free clock begin? Would it be the removal of my tumors? Or the last round of chemo –the final infusion, or the three-weeks of healing that followed? How does one determine the exact calendar day to circle in red flagging “Day one”?
All those people, that swooped in with the diagnosis, friends, family, strangers, that baked and cooked and sent flowers, that showed up, worried and loved from close and afar. The urgency to the schedule, to the surgery to the pathology, to the treatment, to each round, to each pill, to hair loss and eventual growth, to the ebb and flow of being one with cancer. Clear dates defined, everyone in the know. I was supported and it kept me moving forward despite melancholy and fear.
The end of 2018 was the fifth year of me being cancer free, and it arrived unannounced and has slipped away. Well, there was one hashtag, and a solitary tweet – two public declarations to the passing of a medical milestone, a statistical win. Five years in the past and health ahead. So, no bubbly, no parties thrown, no sentimental cards with words like journey, or strength or conquer. The month of December flew by like any other, frenetic and filled with family food and the two fluffy cats.
Determined and curious, I wonder what the next twenty-five years will be like? I see me beating more medical statistics…. ‘25’ eye on the prize. So, what date in December 2031 should I circle in red?
- More from Kristen Knott
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No Rhyme or Reason
By Kristen Knott Written January 23, 2016 A surge of nausea crashes through my belly, seizing my organs, constricting my muscles, shortening my breath. I am stunned. Paralyzed. Unyielding, heart racing, my eyes struggle to make sense of the perfunctory words on my computer screen. She is dead. Breast Cancer. Gone. What happened? She was fine last I had heard. The remnants of the email blur into small print –boilerplate logistical details, funeral, donations and the family she left behind. Two kids, a husband…an entire life left unlived. I never met her. I didn’t know anything about her, other than Read More…
Tagged Under: breast cancer, Kristen Knott, survivorship -
It Took Breast Cancer for Me to get Tattoos
By Kristen Knott Written May 23, 2015 She begins. I scrunch my eyes and hold my breath, fighting through the first couple of minutes, adjusting to the sensation of the needle piercing my skin. Gradually, I start to let my body relax. The pain is not as intense as I thought it would be. It helps that Kyla moves from my left boob to the right, instead of remaining in one spot, which keeps my mind distracted and spreads the discomfort. I flinch as she injects into a tender area right near my left scar. I close my eyes and Read More…
Tagged Under: breast cancer, cosmetic tattoo, Kristen Knott, mastectomy, nipples, tattoos -
Being a Patient Past Present & Future
By Kristen Knott Written November 21, 2014 A year ago today I received my 6th and final chemo infusion. One breast, hairless head to toe, fatigued, sore and emotionally drained, I was fed up with being a cancer patient. The light at the end of the tunnel seemed almost out of view. Now a year later, the anniversary has passed uneventfully with the usual mix of entertaining teenagers, both off for a PA day, addressing client emails and meeting a deadline for my Humber creative writing course; yet the entire time I quietly celebrated that I am no longer a Read More…
Tagged Under: breast cancer, compliance, Kristen Knott, patient story -
Wonder Women Unite
By Kristen Knott Written September 8, 2014 I am giddy this morning despite being physically exhausted. Team Wonder Women comprised of 11 old and new friends walked 60km this past weekend! We raised almost $30,000 for Women’s Cancer research for the Shoppers Drug Mart Weekend to End Women’s Cancer benefiting Princess Margaret Cancer Center. The week leading up to the walk was filled with emails, phone calls and group chats. Those of us who were at our donation goals were helping others to meet their individual goal. Friends and families, colleagues and even strangers sponsored us. We all reminded sponsors Read More…
Tagged Under: breast cancer, friendships, Kristen Knott, Team Wonder Women -
I Must Increase My Bust
By Kristen Knott Written July 20, 2014 I have that childhood chant in my head “I must, I must, I must increase my bust”. I have been living that chant since my March 21 bi-lateral reconstruction surgery. I now have two breasts, or as I refer to them…I have two misshapen balloons under my skin. They are nipple free and have extensive scarring and are much wider than the final boobs will be, but in clothes you would never know. Most people are familiar with an expanding waistline but I am living the expanding bust-line. I have had 5 injections Read More…
Tagged Under: BRCA-1, BRCA-2, breast cancer, Kristen Knott, Reconstruction, tissue expander -
The Testing Waiting Game
By Kristen Knott Written July 13, 2014 I am not happy. I feel it in my bones, my skin, my breath. I am rattled, unsettled and anxious. My mind races uncontrollably like a toddler taking its first steps. I want to be content and filled with all the joys and wonders of life. I have survived cancer after all and I am alive, yet I am struggling. ‘Cancer free’ does not translate to fist pumps and cheering in my mind - it does however create deep pangs of emotion. I can't seem to shake the shadow of cancer. Chemotherapy and surgery Read More…
Tagged Under: BRCA-1, BRCA-2, breast cancer, genetic test, Kristen Knott -
Genetic Testing
By Kristen Knott Written May 21, 2014 I have an appointment today to receive my genetic testing results. It has been 3 months since I provided the necessary blood work for the testing. The Genetic Counselor at Juravinski had informed me that results would likely take about four months. We discussed my family medical history and she explained that there were two genetic strains they could currently test for and they were BRCA-1 and BRCA-2. Both genes come with a higher propensity to get other forms of cancer and can be genetically passed to children. I have been preoccupied with this Read More…
Tagged Under: BRCA-1, BRCA-2, breast cancer, genetic test, Kristen Knott -
Fundraising as a Survivor
By Kristen Knott Written April 24, 2014 I am thrilled to announce that Team Wonder Women, made of friends and colleagues will be walking with me at The Shoppers Drugmart Weekend to End Women's Cancers benefiting Princess Margaret Cancer Center that will be held in Toronto September 6-7, 2014. In August 2013 I reached out to the women in my life, and told them all that I wanted to give back and raise needed monies for local cancer research. I then proceeded to build the Wonder Women team website and my own personal donations page. I was thrilled when I Read More…
Tagged Under: breast cancer, Kristen Knott -
Reconstruction: Not for the Faint of Heart
By Kristen Knott Written April 3, 2014 It was 13 days ago that I underwent surgery again, a left prophylactic mastectomy and the beginning of bi-lateral reconstruction surgery. It has been a very long two weeks filled with pain, discomfort, and a lot of focused breathing and stillness. The day before my surgery I felt like the old me, running around getting last minute errands done. Trying to organize the house and my work in a way that would ensure order without my involvement over the coming weeks. You know - doing those jobs you never want to do, filing the mail, cleaning Read More…
Tagged Under: breast cancer, Kristen Knott, prophylactic mastectomy, Reconstruction -
How to Be?
By Kristen Knott Written February 2, 2014 Now a month into 2014 and the hair on my head is slowly coming back, my eyebrows are reappearing, and I can even see some eyelashes growing. It will probably be another month until I can ditch the wig, hat and scarves. My energy is quite good during the day, in fact at times I feel like the old me, the me before cancer. Yet the evening comes and I am smothered in fatigue again. I look around my house and I see the differences, they are likely subtle to others, but to Read More…
Tagged Under: breast cancer, Kristen Knott, recovery, wellness -
Blueprint for a Cancer Free Life?
By Kristen Knott Written January 4, 2014 I have spent the last few days with my nose in a book. This is not unlike me as I have always been a bit of a bulimic reader. I can lose myself in a good book and ignore the world around me and then when I am done I need some time before I can commit to losing myself in another. The binge/purge cycle ensues. I enjoy marinating in what I have just read, especially when it involves an intriguing character or new world, or country. I felt ready to read about Read More…
Tagged Under: breast cancer, diet, Kristen Knott, new year, stress, wellness -
Big Red Bow
By Kristen Knott Written @ 7:30 am December 24, 2013 I lie here quietly trying not to disrupt my husband as he sleeps beside me. It is Christmas Eve day and the house remains quiet. The day will be filled with anticipation, excitement and preparation for Christmas tomorrow. It doesn't feel truly like Christmas to me yet however. Hoping the day will bring that magical feeling of contentment and joy that I equate with holiday spirit. My energy is coming back as is my hair. I have fuzz growing all over my bald head. I am starting to feel a Read More…
Tagged Under: breast cancer, Chemotherapy, Christmas, Kristen Knott, side effects -
Hibernation
By Kristen Knott Written @ 5:30 am December 5, 2013 I am on day 15 of 21, this being my last chemo cycle and it feels like time has slowed to a crawl. Life is in slow motion. I yearn for the day that presents itself with no side effects. I feel as if my body is preparing for hibernation. My fingers and toe nails feel as if they could peel off at any given moment. You can see the discolouration and pooling of what I imagine is or was chemo in my nail beds. My lips still feel swollen Read More…
Tagged Under: breast cancer, Chemotherapy, decisions, Kristen Knott, side effects -
Chemically Induced Shavasana & My Last Round of Chemo
By Kristen Knott Written @ 4:45 am November 21, 2013 It is November 21 at 4:45 am. I am lying in bed staring at the ceiling. I have already been up twice tonight with hot flashes and visits to the washroom. My mind is racing. It is my last chemo treatment today at Juravinski. I thought this day would bring joy and excitement, yet the emotion I feel is complex, a mixture of relief but also sadness. I have been through a lot since June and I have put on a brave face and created a inner calm and have Read More…
Tagged Under: breast cancer, Chemotherapy, decisions, Kristen Knott, mastectomy -
Frustration
By Kristen Knott Written @ 1:30pm November 12, 2013 It is very hard to remain positive at this point in my cancer treatment. I am midway through round 5 of 6 chemotherapy sessions, and I am frustrated. I am tired of experiencing the numerous side effects of the chemo drugs and am done living in a constant merry go round of my 21 day chemo cycles. I am weary and fatigued and finding it hard to remember the endless energy I once had. Feeling normal, seems so far away, and yes, I am aware I am in the homestretch with Read More…
Tagged Under: breast cancer, decisions, frustration, Kristen Knott, mastectomy