I think I’ve shared (classily? psh) on enough social media mediums that, due to my Crohn’s disease, which has hit severe levels, I had to leave my internship at Newsweek and I’ll be returning to Arizona in a few days. Don’t expect any graceful writing today, because this is all just a plain bummer. I just turned 21 in March. I had started feeling better at the end of last summer. But this flare up (some Crohn’s terminology for ya’) is remarkably worse and it’s time to go home.
There’s a lot I want to write about. My parents, who are flipping out. The fact that I feel like a 90 year old. That I can’t date. That I’m terrified I’m ruining my career. Then again, this might be my last update in a year. Right now, still in New York, I’m struggling to process most of my situation. I joke, but this has been one of the worst weeks of my life. I’m focusing on what I need to eat, if I’ll be able to and what said meal’s after-effects will be. Also, the mountain of Laundry that appears to be Kilimanjaro and the one duffel bag I’ve allotted myself. I want to ignore the phone calls. I want to curl up in bed. Instead, I give you:
The Small, Stupid, Miraculous Stuff that’s Lead Me to a Half Smile During This Shitty Week
1. The Queen Sized Comforter That Could
This week I have thrown up on my comforter, gotten pizza roll stuff(?) on my comforter, and it’s previously been caked with a lovely beige BB cream, this comforter has known all hell. BUT TODAY, I lazily grabbed my Diet Coke from my side table and the soda inevitably splashed my newly-washed, beautifully hypo-allergenic duvet….then it SPLASHED OFF. There is no brown, no tell-tale sign of my calorie free sin. I do not have to wash this bitch again, which entails me in the shower with a thing of detergent.
2. Pizza Rolls- Greasy and Crohn’s Friendly
I bought the Pepperoni Pizza Rolls from the Associated on a whim last week, when my condition wasn’t as severe. This might be a half-miracle (oh yeah, I don’t believe in those) because processed, gross food actually seems to go down the best. Bring on the Nutella. Bring on the DiGiorno. Vegetables=pain. My mother, with her low-carb diet is at Safeway somewhere, preparing for my arrival, with cans of Spagettio O’s to add to her otherwise carb-free pantry (meatball and hot dog varieties.) But last night, I was in a painful place and needed to eat. So, I requested the leftover pizza rolls. I ate all six of those greasy faux-cheese faux-meat filled pillows and… went to sleep. No bad after-effects. All hail Totinos, who I assume has the rich history of a Greek god with a pepperoni hat and the staff of a salami.
3. Post-Colonoscopy Lily Behaved Herself
A colonoscopy is a really messed up procedure where the drugs you get are really great. Terrific. No need to count back from 10, because you’re already down like you’ve been shot with a horse tranquilizer. A year ago, the anesthesia affected me… strangely. I had spoken with the young anesthesiologist before the procedure, we had talked about our shared alma mater (well, my current school) and my interest in journalism. Afterwards, as I was waking up, high as a kite, I asked the young lad on a date and told him I thought he was “reallyyy, reallly hot.” I can’t say he’s sitting here next to me.
BONUS: Since the hospital was so close to my apartment, they let me go alone. I stopped at our neighborhoods Walgreens, called my best friend and LOUDLY proclaimed my love for ring pops, push pops, and pop-tarts. All of which I purchased in bulk.
4. It’s Hot As Balls And My Body Feels like It’s in Antartica
If you’re in the East Coast, you’re aware that there’s a been a heat wave. I’m really anemic. And I guess a big side effect of that is the chills. When I was still working, I would take 10 minute breaks outside, just warming up. I’m pretty sure my boss thought I was smoking, which would be the most idiot intern thing to do. Ever. Yes, that’s me, wearing a fleece while y’all are mmmelltting. Go buy a popsicle and stop asking me about my goddamn jacket. I check the weather and I (mostly) listen to Sandy Kenyon when I’m in a cab. Also, does anyone feel that Sandy Kenyon is a Casey Kasem impersonator? Please discuss in the comments below. I will seriously debate.
And, that’s that folks. Shout out to all of my friends who have brought be icy glasses of water and made me perfectly warmed pizza rolls (Lauren, you know who you are.) And if you’re in AZ this summer, I’d love to dine on some pizza rolls (NOT sausage) but probably not for a week or two, as I’d like to bury myself in my covers.