A New Chapter

No spoken promises now. No

written guarantees

that what once was, will again be so…

and I get down on my knees.

 

I cling to my memories of yesterday,

dreading the day when uncertain tomorrow comes.

As always, weariness has a say…

and I fall asleep to the sound of fading drums.

 

I dream such hearty, rose-coloured happiness

that in reality is so hard to feel…

for in this world rules weepy sadness,

diagnosed truth, that makes fear so real.

 

Fate has no conscience, and it always gets its way.

But when I shut my eyes,

I see only what I want to see. In the grey

abyss between life and death, my spirit lies…

 

in waiting. A new chapter

of a carefully woven destiny

gently unfolds in silken scenes filled with laughter…

and my soul rejoices, a wronged prisoner finally set free.

 

By Chrystal Gomes

 

More from Chrystal Gomes

Finding an MS Voice for Patient Centred Education

By Chrystal Gomes

As an introverted and painfully shy person until my late 20’s – I often couldn’t find my voice. I spent my late teens and 20’s working, traveling and speaking just a little more often, while still unsure of serious future goals. At the age of 28, I finally realized I wanted to pursue a career in hotel and convention management, and my life was now filled with hope and excitement.

I had completed my first year of the three-year hospitality program, when I suddenly became seriously ill. Following a horrible headache that had me praying for death because nothing would relieve the pain, I developed double vision, my speech became slurred and completely garbled. I lost all hand coordination, and I couldn’t walk without help… to name a few of my many symptoms.

My parents naturally first thought…that I had started drinking. I sought medical help, and was subsequently diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I shared this news with my parents and…we all started drinking.

I was diagnosed by a specialist who told me I had Multiple Sclerosis, then promptly left my hospital room without another word. This was the first time that the absence of adequate communication left me gutted. [...] continue the story

The World Has Gone Mad

By Michelle Lemme

I’m definitely superstitious.  When I was a child (and even into adulthood) I was, without a doubt, convinced that if I did not say my prayers, and include virtually all of my loved ones AND “all the people in the world who are suffering”, something bad would happen (or at the very least, nothing good would happen) and I would be directly responsible.  Talk about guilt (I could never suffer enough to compare with those caught up in the atrocities taking place all over the world) and anxiety.   Even now, when my sister emails me these crazy “send this to __ people or ___________ will or won’t happen”, I go mental.  I mean WTF, why does she send me these things?  Rationally I know that something happening as a result of not forwarding an email is absurd.  And yet, I am compelled to send those darn things on, just to be on the safe side.  The only way that I can delete these emails, without any risk, is if I don’t actually open them! I should probably mention that avoidance, coping by not having to cope, is one of my fallback behaviors, I have always believed, “ignorance is bliss”.   It’s one of the ways that I manage [...] continue the story

Unwanted Thoughts

By Michelle Lemme

Unwanted thoughts keep popping into my head; need to keep myself distracted so as not to get caught up in the never ending vortex of worry and guilt.   No matter what has taken place in the past, I am and always will be, a mother first.  I believe that the thoughts that I am having are not “abnormal” as I believe any mother who is undergoing something difficult with their child would also be plaque by guilt and anxiety.

My tendency is to catastrophize things, it is the rare occasion in deed when I don’t believe the worse can, and probably will happen.  No matter that I rarely have evidence which supports the catastrophic thought that is haunting me.  Sometimes, even my breathing cannot quell the fear that tears at my heart.

The “guilt” thoughts are the most dreadful, the most useless.  All of these invaders drive me to want to fix everything that is precarious in SA’s life, what mother wouldn’t want to make their children’s life easier if they could?  I’m torn apart, knowing that SA needs to continue to learn to live her life independently and responsibly.  How can she possibly succeed if I intervene in every [...] continue the story

Acceptance

By Michelle Lemme

Approaching the one year anniversary of my “descent into hell”; and where am I today?  I am pleased to say that I am healthy and, for the most part, happy.   I’ve learned enough to mostly manage (live with) my troublesome anxiety and obsessive/compulsive behaviors.  Frankly I can’t really wrap my head around how my “OCD behaviors” are linked to my depression, having said that, I do find that doing the behavior is soothing, I guess because the act of performing certain behaviors consumes all of my focus and attention, which is sometimes a huge relief.   My compulsive cleaning is under control (most of the time), but, I simply cannot leave my face alone, touching, picking and making a mess of my skin – who wouldn’t pick at their face if they were always peering into a 15X magnifying mirror!!  Obviously, I still struggle and know that I still have things to work on, which is why I continue to see my therapist.

I continue to struggle with the whole “not working” thing, which I was thrust into when I got sick.  If I am honest, I know that I have allowed myself to believe that my “value” is and [...] continue the story