Journal Entry

By Michelle Lemme

UGH, longest day ever in Day Treatment… I hate how I feel; fat, bloated, irritable, sad, exhausted (depression or menopause; doesn’t matter, the symptoms for both are almost identical), skin and everything else totally dried out, worrying non stop about everything and nothing until I want to scream STOP. Jeez, with all these amazing feelings how can I possibly NOT love myself (core belief=I’m unlovable). In any case Wednesday is the day we do Self-esteem, Depression and Worry (I am a star pupil in all classes, but these in particular, I really excel at).

Key learning in Self-esteem today? Apparently having a minimum of 10 “Rules to Live By” is a bit ambitious for someone like myself to take on and “challenge”. I need to get it together, focus and figure out which one or two rules are the most debilitating so I can damn well start to change my automatic thoughts. Such difficult work; honestly, overwhelmingly, mind numbing hard work and self-examination. Needs to be done or change is not possible. I need to control my thoughts, my thoughts can’t continue to control me (I’m exhausted just thinking about how difficult this will be for me to master).

The focus during Depression class was getting over the overpowering lethargy that is so prevalent with depression. Our focus for the session was to set short, medium and long-term goals for the coming week. Being the “good” pupil (Oh Gosh, I feel a rule for living coming on) I committed to myself, in front of the group, that I would register for a fitness class before the end of the afternoon. Did I mention that I had the very same goal last week? I actually began the registration process only after we walked the dogs, and I spent way too long mowing and picking the front lawn. “OCD”. Believe me, I have compulsions and obsessions, but thankfully no rituals. So basically, I put off registering for a class for the better part of the afternoon (avoidance). Finally, shortly before 6 pm, I was successfully registered for a beginner Yoga class! I did it, and for that, I am proud.