Breast Cancer Mastectomy
I am a woman thru and thru.
I am not defined by the size of my breast.
I am sexy with an A cup or a D cup.
I am sexy even with only 1 breast.
I feel beautiful, therefore I am beautiful.
A womans beauty comes from within and not from what is on the outside.
I am beautiful, see me shine, I still have one left behind,
a woman I am until the end, even though I am not a ten,
my beauty is here, it's now within, I am a woman till the end.
Poem by: Nancy Crowell
This morning I woke somewhere between 6:00 and 6:30 AM. I do not know the reason I woke. I had only been “asleep” for about five hours, maybe less. I went to “bed” at just about 11:30 PM. I cannot see in the mornings, so everything was a myriad of light and dark, without color. I cannot hear normal sounds in the morning. I only hear a combination of ocean roar, antique radio and television static and my own heartbeat as loud as Poe’s Telltale heart. I lay there on my bed staring up, as even rolling over to get out of bed can take ten times longer. I wait until there is a lull between the three sounds and my eyes can see more than dark and light.
By that time it was 7:00 AM according to the clock. I rolled off the mattress, holding myself up by my bedside table to just put my feet to the floor. I stood up, legs about 2.5 feet apart, feeling like I’d just stood up on knitting needles, points up. From 7:00 AM to 7:15 AM I teetered across my bedroom, using my bed, the chest and dresser and even the wall for support, to reach the bathroom and use facilities. I brushed my hair and braided it in a ten minute process that normally would take me five, even with waist length hair. I put my dentures in after brushing them. I then opened the bathroom door to find clothes.
By 7:20 AM I was finally done with a process that never, prior to 2009, took so long. It took another five minutes to get my morning fiber therapy, which is a type of juice with a fiber pill. I spent ten more minutes sitting down to the computer after rearranging the blanket on my chair. I instantly had to put my legs up. Currently, even at triple the size of type I once read this at, I still can barely focus on this. My fingers hurt, just to press the keys on this keyboard. My arms feel a striking pain from wrist to shoulder. And yes, that darn static sound is still in my ears. It never goes away.
It will take another forty minutes to get up out of my chair, find a fiber or granola bar or something for breakfast, and eat. Music will not drown out the noise. My maintenance meds will not take the pain away. It is two hours before my scheduled time to take them, and I hurt from head to toe. The pain undulates back and forth with miniature explosions of pain in more than one place (base of the skull at my neck, base of my pelvis at my spine, both knees, both hands, and both elbows) if I move back and forth, or side to side. This is why I spend twelve to eighteen hours sitting in a chair, staring at a computer screen.
This just proves part of the reasoning for creating Covenant of Hope Ministries for those of us disabled, disadvantaged, displaced and disenchanted, whether Christian or not.
Pam’s knees feel like there are railroad spikes going under and through her knee caps, which causes her lots of pain.
This painting was inspired by a feeling that I had over the summer. I had a crushed heart and my heart was crying with emotional pain. This was over a loss of a relationship. I am sure many people have felt this for many different reasons. May Your Hearts be Healed.
Last February I went thru a little depression, I had to dig myself out of a deep hole in the ground. Look at my hands pulling myself out. Only thru great hope and tons of prayers I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Check out my next painting in the gallery.
- More by Heather Bolinder
Breast Cancer Mastectomy I am a woman thru and thru. I am not defined by the size of my breast. I am sexy with an A cup or a D cup. I am sexy even with only 1 breast. I feel beautiful, therefore I am beautiful. A womans beauty comes from within and not from what is on the outside. I am beautiful, see me shine, I still have one left behind, a woman I am until the end, even though I am not a ten, my beauty is here, it's now within, I am a woman till the Read More…
Paintings by Heather Bolinder Rachael The newest scar looks like a 10-inch zipper starting from the base of my skull down towards my shoulders and the muscles around it ache like crazy. But my permanent nerve pain feels like bees stinging the top left side of my head. Beth's Chronic Lyme Disease Beth, an 18 years old suffers with Chronic Lyme Disease. This is when her life turned upside down. Hip Bullet The painting Read More…
Paintings by Heather Bolinder Crushing Spine This was my very first pain painting. This is how my back feels, like two hammers are crushing down hard on it! Pins and Needles Many back pain patients get this feeling in their legs if they have a nerve/disc issues. Feels like the pins and needles are stabbing you all over your legs! Bob's Stroke This painting was inspired by a chronic pain patient, that I Read More…
Hi, my name is Heather Bolinder and I am a chronic pain patient. I am a native Cape Codder from Massachusetts and I was a very active person, involved in volunteering, founder of the Harwich Community Playground, a member of the Cape Cod Art Association and Harwich Artist Guild. I worked as a volunteer E.M.T in Colorado, as well as a private duty nurse’s aid and raised two beautiful children. I graduated from Mount Ida College with a degree in Fine Arts and went on to teach art at a local studio as well as a professional artist, which is Read More…