Stubborn Head, Stubborn Bowel

Posted: 02 Jan 2013 10:36 AM PST

I don’t know about you but I really don’t like giving up. I have always been stubborn but ever since my Crohn’s diagnosis I think I have become even more stubborn. I think I lie more too, nothing grand just little white lies about how well I am. These lies are not to mislead others; they are aimed at misleading myself.

If I tell myself I am well enough to do something then most of the time I will do it. My stubbornness and self lies get me through most situations. I’m not one for being defeated, so if I have a task to do, I get on with it regardless. This is not always a good way to live. I think I am scared of falling down some kind of slippery slope of laziness, as if my independence is at stake.

If I can’t do one thing due to my illness, will I refuse to do another? Will it trigger a domino effect? As a sufferer of a chronic illness with no chance of a respite I have plenty of valid reasons why I should go easier on myself but I can’t. I will not allow this stupid disease to ruin my life or stop me from doing the things I want to do.

So what if I’m tired, I can sleep later. So what if my joints are sore, I can take pain killers later.

When it all does get a bit too much, when I am too exhausted to even chew, I feel guilty. I don’t want sympathy or pity, I don’t want to dwell. I find that I mentally punish myself for these “failures” and this really isn’t healthy. It’s having an attitude like this that leads to further health problems.

I guess I should embrace a break. I should grab timeouts with both hands.

This stubborn attitude to my Crohn’s makes me unsupportive of other ill people. People talk of their common cold as if it is a terminal illness and I think to myself “Get over it, it’s only sniffles”. I know this isnt fair. Everyone is allowed to dwell on their ailments. It’s not their fault that I am poorly the majority of the time. They are allowed to take a couple of days out and have sympathy.

I am now sitting in hospital. I don’t believe this is anything to do with pushing myself too hard. This hospital stay is more just a quick reminder from our dear friend Mr Crohn’s that he is still there. I can suppress him; hide him away from myself and others, but he still lurks in the shadows, ready to kick me in the guts when I least expect it.

We need to be sympathetic to ourselves and to those around us. We need to learn that other people get sick and they are allowed to moan, just like we have the right to moan. I guess the only reason my sympathy lacks is because their ailments are generally short lived, colds etc, but ours are constant.

Because Crohn’s is ongoing, people forget, they assume you are well and are more than happy to accept your little white lies; they don’t know you are only pretending.

Ben x

Crohn’s update

I came into hospital with a suspected blockage. I arrived in A & E at 3am and was given some lovely morphine to help quench the horrible pain. An X-ray showed a collection of mass in my upper small bowel. I was placed onto a surgical ward and monitored. On day 2 the surgeon who did my resection 2 years ago came to see me and believes I have adhesions and not a Crohn’s flare up. These adhesions can fix themselves, which seems to have happened to me. If they become more regular then I may need them to go in and have a look, but for now I can eat lightly and hopefully go home soon. – I went home after 2 days and 2 weeks later I am feeling much better –

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